Crazy People are Everywhere

So, the thing about working in customer service is that 90% of the people you will come into contact with on a daily basis are crazy.

Take, for example, this true life anecdote from my day:

I am coming off of break and a woman at the self-checkouts waves me over and asks for help. I am aware that I probably won't be able to do anything unless it's a stupid question, but I go over anyway.

"These were supposed to be buy one get one free, but they're not being taken off!"

"Okay, well you see how they were both $2.80 and after you scanned each one, it took $1.40 off?"

"Well, that's not really buy one get one free!"

"Well, this way you get the same discount if you buy an odd number of the products. It's the same price."

"But that's not right! It's NOT buy one get one free! I should get one free!"

At that point I managed to excuse myself and run fast for my register where at least the crazy people usually don't notice when things are rung up differently than they expect.

But it's not just customers. Sure, the customers are absolutely fucking psycho, but my coworkers are just as bad. I've already done a post on my whacko boss, so I'll leave him out of it for now. My coworkers are just as bad. I've had one normal coworker since I started at Food Mart. A bagger/cashier with spina bifida who actually did his work quietly, chatted between customers, was friendly to a fault, and got paid a dollar less an hour than me after 3 years with the company. He ended up transferring to a higher paid department and was replaced by Sexy Bagger who transferred in from a different store long enough to cause every teenage girl who works the front end to become absolutely smitten with him and then transferred to a different department. We finally ended up with BigTall, who has yet to get a better job so he's stuck with us.

I work in what we in the business call "the front end" which basically means we're the lowest paid people who have the most contact with the customers. Everybody who spends the majority of their day between the candy racks and the plate glass windows is considered the front end. We mostly spend our time getting yelled at and trying desperately to avoid actually dealing with the customers. That's right, everything you've ever suspected about the people behind the register? It's all true. We really ARE thinking sarcastic things about you even as we smile at you. Well, that's not ENTIRELY true. Basically, you just don't want to be a memorable customer. That's not to say we don't have good customers who we enjoy very much and remember from day to day, but unless you're particularly funny or have really cute kids or have the word "HOOLIGAN" tattooed across the side of your shaved skull, I'm not going to remember you unless you were a terrible person who I made a mental note to avoid at all costs.

There are lots of ways to be an asshole I'll remember you for. You could be the creepy 50 something who insists on leaning over the counter and whispering things in my ear and whispering to the girl who may or may not have FAS that you'd like to take her on a date. That'll cause me to close down my register whenever I see you walk through the door, but it'll make you memorable. You could be the dude who tried to trick me out of $50 by trying to get weird change. Or you could do what the majority of people opt for and be a raging bitch.

All this crazy customer interaction tends to drive us targets into using our own language to communicate with the customers and with eachother. For example, me smiling like a crazy person while talking and leaning forward while moving back means "holy shit you're insane and I'm just going to get as far away as possible before you start throwing things oh my god oh my god oh my god where the hell is the manager?" I am including a sample interaction for your convenience.

The Scene:

I am doing a WIC transaction with one of my favorite regular customers. A youngish hispanic lady with 3 little boys. They're quite charming and she's friendly and has the prettiest accent and always gets in my line when she sees me, so I generally just love working with them. There's an older white woman standing in line behind her with a full cart. For those who don't know, WIC is how the government makes sure pregnant women and children under 5 (too young for school lunches) get their basic nutrition needs met. They're just vouchers that get them free eggs, milk, cereal, peanut butter, juice, beans, and cheese. You can also get formula. The problem is that our local office is crazy strict about what exactly you can get. You can only get ONE size of eggs, a certain type of cheese, a specific size jar of peanut butter and everything only applies to certain brands. The office just decided that the women can no longer get extra large eggs and have to get the large ones. This is a rather recent development, so on this occasion I had to send a bagger out to get the right size eggs for my customer. It's worth noting that I was already in a pissy mood and was an hour late for my break at this time. Favorite Customer and Mega Bitch were my last two customers before I could leave.

Mega Bitch: WHAT exactly is taking so long?

Me: I had to send him to get her eggs. It'll just be a moment. (translation: shut up, you stupid bitch)

Mega Bitch: And you can't just ring her up?

Me: ...no. (translation: I COULD tell you about how WIC works, but you'd probably complain about the government giving freebies to Mexicans, so just go fuck off now)

Mega Bitch continues to fume, I finish up with my customer and send her on her way. I then finish up Mega Bitch's order and she realizes her coupons are missing. I then smile and feel gleeful while she spends more time than she had to waste waiting for the eggs to show up digging around her witch's bag looking for her coupons and then one was from a different store and another was expired. Hehehehe. Karma!

I was planning on telling about BigTall and "eyes up" but this entry got out of hand, so that will have to wait for tomorrow or later.

Stay sparkly.