Bitcherina's Guide to Condoms

So somebody on a message board I love posted asking how to use condoms "correctly" since every webpage and instructional manual in existance says they're 99% effective when used consistantly and correctly but tips on how to properly use them are few and far between. So I wrote my own!

Disclaimer: This blog is not a medical professional or a substitute for one. Please consult a doctor if you're REALLY concerned about avoding disease and pregnancy. But since you're a lazy cheap skate or a scared 15 year old and probably WON'T consult a doctor, this is what I do whenever I have to put a condom on a guy and no babies so far on this end. But do not confuse this for professional advice. Seriously. I suck.

Anyway, most guys do not put condoms on properly. They just grab them and pull them on which, while it will put a condom over a wang, does not necessarily prevent breakage. So I don't even bother asking the guy anymore, I just do it myself.

Bitcherina's Tips for Proper Condom Placement:
1. If your dude is uncirced, ask if he wants his foreskin up or down. This is a tip from my friend Boo, so if your guy is like mine, he'll go "I dunno..." and then you just procede to step 2.
2. Unwrap the condom by holding the package in both hands and tearing CAREFULLY to the side of the condom. Don't use your teeth or any other tearing instruments besides your fingers. This can only end badly.
3. Place the condom at the tip of the peen so that the "resevoir tip" is facing up and it will roll downwards.
4. Pinch the tip (DO NOT USE FINGERNAILS!!!!). The fingerprint part of your fingertip is the preferred pinching method and it's not a pinch so much as a squish. Mind the penis as most men tend to get a little testy if you pinch any member of their anatomy.
5. While holding the condom over the top of the penis (if you line your fingers up with the urethra, you're in the right place most likely) use your OTHER hand to carefully unwrap it straight down the participating wang. My favorite method is to make an OKAY symbol with your thumb and forefinger (or middle finger depending on the girth) above the condom and slide down to pull it down all the way. As sexy as it is when strippers do it, this is not the time to practice the oral application technique as it can cause tearing if you use your teeth and condoms generally taste like ass.
6. Repeat steps 2-5 as necessary until one of those suckers stays on.
7. Commence forking.