Friday, May 30, 2008

Bitcherina's Guide to Condoms

So somebody on a message board I love posted asking how to use condoms "correctly" since every webpage and instructional manual in existance says they're 99% effective when used consistantly and correctly but tips on how to properly use them are few and far between. So I wrote my own!

Disclaimer: This blog is not a medical professional or a substitute for one. Please consult a doctor if you're REALLY concerned about avoding disease and pregnancy. But since you're a lazy cheap skate or a scared 15 year old and probably WON'T consult a doctor, this is what I do whenever I have to put a condom on a guy and no babies so far on this end. But do not confuse this for professional advice. Seriously. I suck.

Anyway, most guys do not put condoms on properly. They just grab them and pull them on which, while it will put a condom over a wang, does not necessarily prevent breakage. So I don't even bother asking the guy anymore, I just do it myself.

Bitcherina's Tips for Proper Condom Placement:
1. If your dude is uncirced, ask if he wants his foreskin up or down. This is a tip from my friend Boo, so if your guy is like mine, he'll go "I dunno..." and then you just procede to step 2.
2. Unwrap the condom by holding the package in both hands and tearing CAREFULLY to the side of the condom. Don't use your teeth or any other tearing instruments besides your fingers. This can only end badly.
3. Place the condom at the tip of the peen so that the "resevoir tip" is facing up and it will roll downwards.
4. Pinch the tip (DO NOT USE FINGERNAILS!!!!). The fingerprint part of your fingertip is the preferred pinching method and it's not a pinch so much as a squish. Mind the penis as most men tend to get a little testy if you pinch any member of their anatomy.
5. While holding the condom over the top of the penis (if you line your fingers up with the urethra, you're in the right place most likely) use your OTHER hand to carefully unwrap it straight down the participating wang. My favorite method is to make an OKAY symbol with your thumb and forefinger (or middle finger depending on the girth) above the condom and slide down to pull it down all the way. As sexy as it is when strippers do it, this is not the time to practice the oral application technique as it can cause tearing if you use your teeth and condoms generally taste like ass.
6. Repeat steps 2-5 as necessary until one of those suckers stays on.
7. Commence forking.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Simple Pepper Spray Case

The inspiration for this project is simple: I bought the wrong color red yarn for the Dr. Who scarf. So what's a girl to do with a full skein of bright red Red Heart Super Saver yarn? Well, I guess I could make Christmas decorations or something. OR I could make myself a super cool bright red (for safety!) pepper spray case.

This pattern takes less than a day to complete (unless to spend 5 hours playing Rock Band, in which case you might have to finish the strap at a later date) and is super simple. It's a circular knit stockinette sock. My pepper spray is the brandname Whoop-ass. It is approximately 7/8 inch diameter and about 4 1/4 inches long. It has a removable keychain ring at the bottom. With simple adjustments, you can modify this to fit almost any standard pepper spray container. The strap is easily adjusted to fit any size hand.

Needles: Knit with 4 DP needles, US 8
Yarn: Red Heart Super Saver (although any worsted weight yarn will work)

Start by casting 15 stitches onto 3 of your needles
Work purl in stockinette until approximately 3 1/2 inches long (IMPORTANT: Do not extend case above this length unless using a larger size pepper spray as this will block the stream of the spray should you need to use the pepper spray for its intended purpose)
P2tog until you have 3-5 stitches left on your needles
Knit stockinette until the strap is long enough to fit snuggly across the back of your hand to the top of your case. This will vary depending on how big your hand is.
Bind off
If your pepper spray does not have a keychain ring, skip the italicized directions
Remove the keyring from your pepper spray and insert it into the case
You should have a small hole in the bottom of your case
Insert the hook for the keychain ring into the hole and then reattach the ring. This will give your spray a firmer hold into the case.
Insert the pepper spray into the case and hold it the way you will need to hold it if you need to spray it. Note which side will be against your palm. This is the side you will be attaching the strap to.
Stitch the strap to the top side of your case that will be against your palm (closer to your thumb is probably a good idea)

That's it! Isn't that easy? Now, slide the case over your hand and you can easily take it jogging or slip it on if you know you'll be outside without worrying about dropping it. This is the way the man who sold me this can suggested I wear it for exercise.


Better pictures to come. My camera decided to crap out right after I got these and they're not great.