A Farewell to Customer Service

So the thing about customer service is that it's a universal. I can talk about my job with any person who has ever worked customer service and we will always have something to talk about because we will have all the same customers. Not necessarily the same people, but since we all know that customers aren't people the archetypes will be the same.

Everyone who ever works with customers will have the psycho who can't understand why you won't violate state or federal law to get what they want. They'll have the person who wants you to bend space and time to get them something that you physically have no control over. The people who yell at you over company policies like you have some control over them. The people who expect you to be psychic about their special things (allergies, the fact they don't want the handles of their soda cases punched in). The people who hand you copies of Watchtower magazine and give you Chick Tracts. These are universal truths.

I had a customer today who I have never had before in my years of working a register. This one was a special breed all her own.

I first encounter Dingbat because it's 15 minutes to close and she is standing in the juice aisle bent over in half not moving. I ask her if she maybe needs help because I'm kind of worried she's not entirely okay. She tells me she's fine, she's just reading the juices to see which one is on her WIC. I am a little perturbed but tell her that the Juicey Juice is all okay.
Finally, a couple minutes after I make the finally "we're closed!" announcement, she gets to the register. I look through her vouchers and realize she has a pound of cheese on the voucher she didn't get. Since I am a good person, I ask her if she wanted the cheese. She's starting to freak me out, because she's mumbling to herself a lot but she goes off to get her cheese. She walked down an aisle and bumped in to the meat case and just stopped and started staring at it. The manager went and got her and told her where the cheese was and she finally came up and I got everything rung up and put through. This took 15 minutes. Then she stood there for another 5 minutes asking us why we didn't

A Family Snapshot

I'm moving to Texas. I don't want to say where exactly, but I'll be outside a large city. This is a particularly horrifying realization for me because I've lived in the same 90 mile radius my entire life. Plus, I've never been to Texas and hate hot weather. This could quite possibly be a brand new bit of crazy in my life. We'll see.

To celebrate my running away to hell, I went to visit my father and brother and step-family a few days ago. The following exchange took place.

Me: I got a Debit Card ledger with my new bank account!
Brother: $5 says you'll never use it.
Me: $5 says you're a douche. Ooooh I win!
Dad starts laughing uncontrollably.
Step-Bro: What?
I recount the conversation, Dad starts laughing uncontrollably again.

Suddenly, my sense of humor suddenly explains itself.

I also set up a Twitter account just in case you want to know what I'm doing all the time every day. And you know you do.

Sex Blogging and Me

So I am now officially a sex blogger. I am the founder and admin of Stimulating Conversation as well as the Women's Sex editor (a feature I like to call Girly Bits).

This is really cool for me, because it's something I've thought about doing a lot and have been encouraged to do by friends for awhile and now I'm doing it! It's hopefully going to be a daily blog. Girly Parts on Monday, Man to Man on Tuesday, Hump Day Reader Assistance on Wednesday, a yet-unnamed sex diary on Thursday, Fetish Friday, Saturday I'm hoping to have a gay/lesbian column (we've contacted a gay and a lesbian to see if they're interested in writing bimonthly alt lifestyle columns for us), and Cyn's Sins on Sunday which will be random meditations on sex. I'm irrationally excited about that. I'm waiting to hear back from the potential Saturday columnists we've approached and may end up doing a casting call to try and find them. We also may end up having reader submitted fiction on Hump Days. Basically, I just want Hump Day to be something fun and reader-centric.

This blog has a fun little story behind it. I've been giving sex advice on a babyname board and they kept pestering me to become a sex therapist of some variety since I keep giving the advice. Then a few days ago, I started talking in a chat room about how much I really, really hate Cosmo. To the point that when my options are reading a parenting magazine and Cosmo, I'll read the parenting magazine. My main complaint is that Cosmo sexuality is basically how to fuck a guy into liking you. To me, female sexuality needs to be based on more than getting a man and then being SUPER HAPPY. Female sexuality needs to be about experiencing yourself in a pleasurable way and how to do that while staying safe. Cosmo honestly wouldn't bother me AS much except there is no equivalent magazine or source of advice for men. If women's magazines aren't telling us how to enjoy sex, then who will? So we decided to start a place for sex advice that is safe and clean and focused on making sure that everyone in any sexual encounter has the best possible time. Basically, the entire thing is focused on making sure everyone gets the most out of sex. My goal in life is to get the whole world to have better sex. I don't know if that makes me utterly shallow or a sexy sexy Mother Theresa, but feel free to swing by and drop us your questions, fiction, ideas for columns, product reviews, and general mail.

The Lifetime Movie Drinking Game

If you're not familiar with Lifetime: Television For Women, you should be. Lifetime produces the campiest, most hilarious made for TV movies (for women!) to be had. You can watch Tori Spelling and Tiffany Amber Theissan be murdered in the same 4 hour block if you're lucky. It's nothing but cheerleaders getting whacked and women being beaten. It's good old fashioned campy entertainment. For women.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I found out that there was no Lifetime Movie Drinking Game available on the internet! At least not when you only look at the first four results Google displayed. I decided it was my God given duty to fill this gap in the drinking game industry. So, without further ado, I present...

The Lifetime Movie Drinking Game

Every time a woman cries, take a drink.
Every time a man cries, take 2 drinks.
Every time someone dies, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks if they were murdered.
…take 3 drinks if they died of a chronic illness such as AIDS or cancer.
…take 4 drinks if they died of a mental illness such as anorexia, bulimia, or a drug overdose.
Take 1 drink for every TV or movie actor you notice before their career took off.
Take 2 drinks for every TV or movie actor you notice from after their career sunk.
Take 1 drink every time you see someone who was involved in an Aaron Spelling project in the 90’s.
Take 1 drink whenever a teenager becomes pregnant.
…take 2 drinks if she becomes pregnant by a rape or incest.
Every time a man beats a woman, take a drink.
Every time a woman beats another woman, take a drink.
Every time someone beats a child, take 2 drinks.
Every time a woman beats a man, take 2 drinks.
Every time someone falls into the seedy world of drugs, take a drink.
Every time someone comes out as a homosexual/transgendered person, take a drink.
Every time the main character gets divorced or abandoned, take a drink.
Every time the main character is interviewed by the police, take a drink.
Every time a baby is given up for adoption, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks when the birth mother makes a surprise appearance in the older child’s life.
…if this turns out to have been a bad idea, take 3 drinks.
…if the child is unhappy with his/her (oh who am I kidding, of COURSE it’s a her) adoptive parents and likes the birth mother better, take 4 drinks.
…if this somehow ends to murder, finish the bottle.
Every time a cheerleader appears on camera, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks every time one of them dies.
…take 3 drinks if one is murdered.
Every time a character is raped, take a drink.
…if it was a date rape, take 2 drinks.
…if the character was drunk, take 3 drinks.
…if the character was drugged, take 4 drinks.
…if this leads to a pregnancy, take 5 drinks.
…if this results in a legal battle, take 6 drinks.
…if the case ends favorably for the victim, finish your bottle.
Every time you see a subtitle to a movie (ie. Moment of Truth: Not Without My Handbag: The Lucious Divine Story) take a drink for each individual title.
Every time a main character becomes a prostitute or stripper, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks if she’s forced into it by circumstances.
…take 3 drinks if she’s forced into it by a man.
…take 4 drinks if this some how leads to murder.
Everytime a woman has A Past, take a drink.
...take 2 drinks if this is obvious foreshadowing if what is about to happen.
...take 3 drinks if it's foreshadowing her involvement in A Cause.
...take 4 drinks if it's foreshadowing her future involvement with another woman who has a similar Past.

Crazy People are Everywhere

So, the thing about working in customer service is that 90% of the people you will come into contact with on a daily basis are crazy.

Take, for example, this true life anecdote from my day:

I am coming off of break and a woman at the self-checkouts waves me over and asks for help. I am aware that I probably won't be able to do anything unless it's a stupid question, but I go over anyway.

"These were supposed to be buy one get one free, but they're not being taken off!"

"Okay, well you see how they were both $2.80 and after you scanned each one, it took $1.40 off?"

"Well, that's not really buy one get one free!"

"Well, this way you get the same discount if you buy an odd number of the products. It's the same price."

"But that's not right! It's NOT buy one get one free! I should get one free!"

At that point I managed to excuse myself and run fast for my register where at least the crazy people usually don't notice when things are rung up differently than they expect.

But it's not just customers. Sure, the customers are absolutely fucking psycho, but my coworkers are just as bad. I've already done a post on my whacko boss, so I'll leave him out of it for now. My coworkers are just as bad. I've had one normal coworker since I started at Food Mart. A bagger/cashier with spina bifida who actually did his work quietly, chatted between customers, was friendly to a fault, and got paid a dollar less an hour than me after 3 years with the company. He ended up transferring to a higher paid department and was replaced by Sexy Bagger who transferred in from a different store long enough to cause every teenage girl who works the front end to become absolutely smitten with him and then transferred to a different department. We finally ended up with BigTall, who has yet to get a better job so he's stuck with us.

I work in what we in the business call "the front end" which basically means we're the lowest paid people who have the most contact with the customers. Everybody who spends the majority of their day between the candy racks and the plate glass windows is considered the front end. We mostly spend our time getting yelled at and trying desperately to avoid actually dealing with the customers. That's right, everything you've ever suspected about the people behind the register? It's all true. We really ARE thinking sarcastic things about you even as we smile at you. Well, that's not ENTIRELY true. Basically, you just don't want to be a memorable customer. That's not to say we don't have good customers who we enjoy very much and remember from day to day, but unless you're particularly funny or have really cute kids or have the word "HOOLIGAN" tattooed across the side of your shaved skull, I'm not going to remember you unless you were a terrible person who I made a mental note to avoid at all costs.

There are lots of ways to be an asshole I'll remember you for. You could be the creepy 50 something who insists on leaning over the counter and whispering things in my ear and whispering to the girl who may or may not have FAS that you'd like to take her on a date. That'll cause me to close down my register whenever I see you walk through the door, but it'll make you memorable. You could be the dude who tried to trick me out of $50 by trying to get weird change. Or you could do what the majority of people opt for and be a raging bitch.

All this crazy customer interaction tends to drive us targets into using our own language to communicate with the customers and with eachother. For example, me smiling like a crazy person while talking and leaning forward while moving back means "holy shit you're insane and I'm just going to get as far away as possible before you start throwing things oh my god oh my god oh my god where the hell is the manager?" I am including a sample interaction for your convenience.

The Scene:

I am doing a WIC transaction with one of my favorite regular customers. A youngish hispanic lady with 3 little boys. They're quite charming and she's friendly and has the prettiest accent and always gets in my line when she sees me, so I generally just love working with them. There's an older white woman standing in line behind her with a full cart. For those who don't know, WIC is how the government makes sure pregnant women and children under 5 (too young for school lunches) get their basic nutrition needs met. They're just vouchers that get them free eggs, milk, cereal, peanut butter, juice, beans, and cheese. You can also get formula. The problem is that our local office is crazy strict about what exactly you can get. You can only get ONE size of eggs, a certain type of cheese, a specific size jar of peanut butter and everything only applies to certain brands. The office just decided that the women can no longer get extra large eggs and have to get the large ones. This is a rather recent development, so on this occasion I had to send a bagger out to get the right size eggs for my customer. It's worth noting that I was already in a pissy mood and was an hour late for my break at this time. Favorite Customer and Mega Bitch were my last two customers before I could leave.

Mega Bitch: WHAT exactly is taking so long?

Me: I had to send him to get her eggs. It'll just be a moment. (translation: shut up, you stupid bitch)

Mega Bitch: And you can't just ring her up?

Me: ...no. (translation: I COULD tell you about how WIC works, but you'd probably complain about the government giving freebies to Mexicans, so just go fuck off now)

Mega Bitch continues to fume, I finish up with my customer and send her on her way. I then finish up Mega Bitch's order and she realizes her coupons are missing. I then smile and feel gleeful while she spends more time than she had to waste waiting for the eggs to show up digging around her witch's bag looking for her coupons and then one was from a different store and another was expired. Hehehehe. Karma!

I was planning on telling about BigTall and "eyes up" but this entry got out of hand, so that will have to wait for tomorrow or later.

Stay sparkly.

Bitcherina's Guide to Condoms

So somebody on a message board I love posted asking how to use condoms "correctly" since every webpage and instructional manual in existance says they're 99% effective when used consistantly and correctly but tips on how to properly use them are few and far between. So I wrote my own!

Disclaimer: This blog is not a medical professional or a substitute for one. Please consult a doctor if you're REALLY concerned about avoding disease and pregnancy. But since you're a lazy cheap skate or a scared 15 year old and probably WON'T consult a doctor, this is what I do whenever I have to put a condom on a guy and no babies so far on this end. But do not confuse this for professional advice. Seriously. I suck.

Anyway, most guys do not put condoms on properly. They just grab them and pull them on which, while it will put a condom over a wang, does not necessarily prevent breakage. So I don't even bother asking the guy anymore, I just do it myself.

Bitcherina's Tips for Proper Condom Placement:
1. If your dude is uncirced, ask if he wants his foreskin up or down. This is a tip from my friend Boo, so if your guy is like mine, he'll go "I dunno..." and then you just procede to step 2.
2. Unwrap the condom by holding the package in both hands and tearing CAREFULLY to the side of the condom. Don't use your teeth or any other tearing instruments besides your fingers. This can only end badly.
3. Place the condom at the tip of the peen so that the "resevoir tip" is facing up and it will roll downwards.
4. Pinch the tip (DO NOT USE FINGERNAILS!!!!). The fingerprint part of your fingertip is the preferred pinching method and it's not a pinch so much as a squish. Mind the penis as most men tend to get a little testy if you pinch any member of their anatomy.
5. While holding the condom over the top of the penis (if you line your fingers up with the urethra, you're in the right place most likely) use your OTHER hand to carefully unwrap it straight down the participating wang. My favorite method is to make an OKAY symbol with your thumb and forefinger (or middle finger depending on the girth) above the condom and slide down to pull it down all the way. As sexy as it is when strippers do it, this is not the time to practice the oral application technique as it can cause tearing if you use your teeth and condoms generally taste like ass.
6. Repeat steps 2-5 as necessary until one of those suckers stays on.
7. Commence forking.

Simple Pepper Spray Case

The inspiration for this project is simple: I bought the wrong color red yarn for the Dr. Who scarf. So what's a girl to do with a full skein of bright red Red Heart Super Saver yarn? Well, I guess I could make Christmas decorations or something. OR I could make myself a super cool bright red (for safety!) pepper spray case.

This pattern takes less than a day to complete (unless to spend 5 hours playing Rock Band, in which case you might have to finish the strap at a later date) and is super simple. It's a circular knit stockinette sock. My pepper spray is the brandname Whoop-ass. It is approximately 7/8 inch diameter and about 4 1/4 inches long. It has a removable keychain ring at the bottom. With simple adjustments, you can modify this to fit almost any standard pepper spray container. The strap is easily adjusted to fit any size hand.

Suggested:
Needles: Knit with 4 DP needles, US 8
Yarn: Red Heart Super Saver (although any worsted weight yarn will work)

Start by casting 15 stitches onto 3 of your needles
Work purl in stockinette until approximately 3 1/2 inches long (IMPORTANT: Do not extend case above this length unless using a larger size pepper spray as this will block the stream of the spray should you need to use the pepper spray for its intended purpose)
P2tog until you have 3-5 stitches left on your needles
Knit stockinette until the strap is long enough to fit snuggly across the back of your hand to the top of your case. This will vary depending on how big your hand is.
Bind off
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If your pepper spray does not have a keychain ring, skip the italicized directions
Remove the keyring from your pepper spray and insert it into the case
You should have a small hole in the bottom of your case
Insert the hook for the keychain ring into the hole and then reattach the ring. This will give your spray a firmer hold into the case.
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Insert the pepper spray into the case and hold it the way you will need to hold it if you need to spray it. Note which side will be against your palm. This is the side you will be attaching the strap to.
Stitch the strap to the top side of your case that will be against your palm (closer to your thumb is probably a good idea)


That's it! Isn't that easy? Now, slide the case over your hand and you can easily take it jogging or slip it on if you know you'll be outside without worrying about dropping it. This is the way the man who sold me this can suggested I wear it for exercise.

Enjoy!

Better pictures to come. My camera decided to crap out right after I got these and they're not great.