A Family Snapshot

I'm moving to Texas. I don't want to say where exactly, but I'll be outside a large city. This is a particularly horrifying realization for me because I've lived in the same 90 mile radius my entire life. Plus, I've never been to Texas and hate hot weather. This could quite possibly be a brand new bit of crazy in my life. We'll see.

To celebrate my running away to hell, I went to visit my father and brother and step-family a few days ago. The following exchange took place.

Me: I got a Debit Card ledger with my new bank account!
Brother: $5 says you'll never use it.
Me: $5 says you're a douche. Ooooh I win!
Dad starts laughing uncontrollably.
Step-Bro: What?
I recount the conversation, Dad starts laughing uncontrollably again.

Suddenly, my sense of humor suddenly explains itself.

I also set up a Twitter account just in case you want to know what I'm doing all the time every day. And you know you do.

The Lifetime Movie Drinking Game

If you're not familiar with Lifetime: Television For Women, you should be. Lifetime produces the campiest, most hilarious made for TV movies (for women!) to be had. You can watch Tori Spelling and Tiffany Amber Theissan be murdered in the same 4 hour block if you're lucky. It's nothing but cheerleaders getting whacked and women being beaten. It's good old fashioned campy entertainment. For women.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I found out that there was no Lifetime Movie Drinking Game available on the internet! At least not when you only look at the first four results Google displayed. I decided it was my God given duty to fill this gap in the drinking game industry. So, without further ado, I present...

The Lifetime Movie Drinking Game

Every time a woman cries, take a drink.
Every time a man cries, take 2 drinks.
Every time someone dies, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks if they were murdered.
…take 3 drinks if they died of a chronic illness such as AIDS or cancer.
…take 4 drinks if they died of a mental illness such as anorexia, bulimia, or a drug overdose.
Take 1 drink for every TV or movie actor you notice before their career took off.
Take 2 drinks for every TV or movie actor you notice from after their career sunk.
Take 1 drink every time you see someone who was involved in an Aaron Spelling project in the 90’s.
Take 1 drink whenever a teenager becomes pregnant.
…take 2 drinks if she becomes pregnant by a rape or incest.
Every time a man beats a woman, take a drink.
Every time a woman beats another woman, take a drink.
Every time someone beats a child, take 2 drinks.
Every time a woman beats a man, take 2 drinks.
Every time someone falls into the seedy world of drugs, take a drink.
Every time someone comes out as a homosexual/transgendered person, take a drink.
Every time the main character gets divorced or abandoned, take a drink.
Every time the main character is interviewed by the police, take a drink.
Every time a baby is given up for adoption, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks when the birth mother makes a surprise appearance in the older child’s life.
…if this turns out to have been a bad idea, take 3 drinks.
…if the child is unhappy with his/her (oh who am I kidding, of COURSE it’s a her) adoptive parents and likes the birth mother better, take 4 drinks.
…if this somehow ends to murder, finish the bottle.
Every time a cheerleader appears on camera, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks every time one of them dies.
…take 3 drinks if one is murdered.
Every time a character is raped, take a drink.
…if it was a date rape, take 2 drinks.
…if the character was drunk, take 3 drinks.
…if the character was drugged, take 4 drinks.
…if this leads to a pregnancy, take 5 drinks.
…if this results in a legal battle, take 6 drinks.
…if the case ends favorably for the victim, finish your bottle.
Every time you see a subtitle to a movie (ie. Moment of Truth: Not Without My Handbag: The Lucious Divine Story) take a drink for each individual title.
Every time a main character becomes a prostitute or stripper, take a drink.
…take 2 drinks if she’s forced into it by circumstances.
…take 3 drinks if she’s forced into it by a man.
…take 4 drinks if this some how leads to murder.
Everytime a woman has A Past, take a drink.
...take 2 drinks if this is obvious foreshadowing if what is about to happen.
...take 3 drinks if it's foreshadowing her involvement in A Cause.
...take 4 drinks if it's foreshadowing her future involvement with another woman who has a similar Past.

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